Dead but not gone...
Been ages since I even thought of updating my site, at this point of my life everything is a "Why bother, it's just going to fail". Been a year since my leap of faith across the Rocky Mountains and my life seems just as big as a mess as that trip was. Like the U-haul I am broken and bested at every pass. It least with no dreams and hopes I lived a pretty stress free life back in the day. I used to control my bills now my bills control me.

My only reason to exist now is too look forward to paying the next months bills, been like that since I got here it seems. Can't go out with people cause I'am too ashamed of being broke, so I make lame excuses to I can sit at home and be too depressed to do anything productive like work on Maya stuff or even guitar. At work I look at all kinds of code and scripts but I reallly don't enjoy it. Would like to work on some level design stuff, but too broke to afford a new computer that can handle the new games and no one cares if I make a level for Counterstrike anymore. I wish I could focus on something for longer then 30 minutes before the voices inside my head starts to torment me about bills, my failed career and upcoming events I am sure to fail at also. At least games still give me some peace of mind. I just feel mentally punch drunk anymore.
Can't afford to buy a CD Can't afford to buy a CD
Can't afford to buy a CD Can't afford to buy a CD
Can't afford to buy a CD Can't afford to buy a CD
Clash of the Titans
Told off my team lead today in front of everyone. To make a long story short, he's a big time slacker who gets enjoyment trying to get people canned. So I once again I make myself the voice of the people with no voice. It was by no means professional on my part, but afterwards about 5-6 people IM'ed me and said I was right and had big balls to say what everyone else was thinking. Not sure if it will affect my future or not. Not sure if I feel regret or relief. Not sure if I even want my name on the games credits anymore. It's just like resturants, not about the quality it's just about picking up the steak you dropped on the floor and getting it out on time.
Voices inside my head Voices inside my head
Voices inside my head Voices inside my head
Voices inside my head Voices inside my head
Hell Month
Well I guess it is crunch time considering I worked 135 hours in two weeks and that isn't counting bus time. Got a couple more weeks to go since I got my contract extended to Dec.1, so at least I won't be homeless for christmas.
Been trying to find some cheap fun games fo play in the upcoming workless time. Looking at FEAR, DUNGEON SEIGE 2, PAINKILLER, FREEDOM FORCE VS. THE 3rd REICH, and some older Xbox games. Need to catch up some, cause I might know more about making games then alot of testers but they have just played more games then me. Not sure if that is a curse or blessing.
Doomsword all albums
Metro Bus Engines Metro Bus
Same shit, different build number
Besides pay rate and benefits not much difference between the resturant world and the game tester world. It's all about ticket time and bottom line. Quality isn't really part of the equation. Seems like "lets get it out the door and let hype and promotion save the day" or "We'll sell a ton before people realize it's just ok" are the motto's. I worked for the "best" abusement park and thought it was pathetic and the funny thing is that it feels like I am still there just getting paid more and my slaves quarters are nicer.

If I wasn't so busy working 60 hour weeks and being worried about bills I would be depressed.
Who Cares Who Cares
Who Cares Who Cares
Who Cares Who Cares
Worked my first of many 13.5 hour day yesterday. Was easy compared to the old resturant slave days. Can't bitch.

Got to leave work easy today to go get my roots cleaned at the dentist. According to them in a year and a half my gum depth went from a 1 to a 5 which is bad and could lead to gum disease. Not sure if it's Dentist bullshit to make money or not, but since I only pay 1/3 of it cause of benifits might as well be safe before I am sorry.

Not going to work on a saturday tomorrow so it will be the first time in awhile I don't have work or appointments to worry about on a weekend. Going to slack before the month and half "hell week"
Crimson Glory Astronomica
Black Sun: Montauks Nazi-tibetan Connection Peter Moon
Neverwinter Nights Bioware
Aggravated again and again and again
Had a good day today, well at least till 6:30. Once I get aggravated it just sucks the life out of me. I have never yelled at anyone in all my life, but it seems like its happening more an more lately and it worries me. First agravation then anger, resentment and who knows what is after that. I try to keep my cool, but some people don't learn. Some people just try to go through life and never change or learn from their mistakes. These are the people that I sometime catch myself thinking that I should no longer associate with them. I had planned to work on the site tonight or record some riffs but I feel to empty inside from being angry. I wish my anger could feed me like it does other people.

On a more depressing note I been working alot of overtime lately and there is more to come, but I still feel like I am treading water when it comes to money. Seems like my bills are eating it all up. I hope things change soon, cause if I don't get rolled over to another project fast I might have to head for the cardboard city.
Extra-terrestrial archaeology by David Hatcher Childress.
Rebellion Born a Rebel
Stormwarrior Stormwarrior
So far, So Good, So Screwed
Things are going good for now, I really like being a game tester. I really like breaking what some programming genius thinks is perfect. It's a puzzle every day without the headaches of having to fix whats broken. I just break it and thats it. been working Overtime so haven't been working on the site or my guitar/bass skills. At least this time I have an excuse for the neglect. Typing up all the bug reports has helped my typing some, still no where as fast as I should be.
Wizard Head of the Deceiver
Cage Astrology
Wizard Magic Circle
Depressional Depression
Been down all week, not sure why..could be the fact I been going to bed a hour and half later or just the fact that I feel like I stink at guitar and bass.

I should be happy, at work I got put on the Overtime team. Out of 64 people I am 1 of 8 and most of the other eight are team leaders with mucho experience, just don't feel special or honored. Why can't I be good at stuff for me like my guitar, bass and website? Still have to find time and desire to work on my animations. At least my typing seems to be getting better from typing out bug reports all day. Still not a third as good as it should be, but an improvement none the less.

I think I learned how to read again for the first time since college ruined reading. Been reading about lost sciences and ancient cultures and the nazi's and the occult. Fun stuff, just nice to read something that isn't a tech book. Now since I see the hell I can cause game programmers I've had decided that programming will be a hobby and not a career.
Premonition We are metal!
Dead men's secrets : tantalising hints of a lost super race by Jonathan Gray.
Wizard Magic Circle
Suck Ass Day
Everything just sucked today. Woke up and stepped in cat poop and just was a grumpy ass all day. Work was boring as always when doing test cases. One bug day...Phew. One of my favorite metal forums went down for good cause of a bittorrent crack down. Just been annoyed all day. A Xbox playtest group called me today too. How ironic. Annoying people on ebay got under my skin too. Not sure if ebay is worth the fees and hassles when you sell shit. But it's the only game in town so it makes the rules. Too grumpy to program, Too Grumpy to practice bass. Just a pissy day / mood in general.

I give today the BIG BAH!
Steel Lord Headbanding Force
Tankard B-day
Wayne Metal Church
Heavy Metal Hangover
Good Week, Went out and partied with a bunch of true metalheads and got hammered. First time I been drunk in ages, but the hangover at work was worth it.

Bass is coming along much easier then guitar and the fact that I am using bass to work on my hammer ons and pull offs and scales will just make me a better guitar player in the long run. Finger strength is still an issue at times but since I will be picking most of the time it isn't a big deal.

Work is going good can't bitch at all. My PHP is getting better but my 3D skills is rusting. I might be programming on a Half Life 2 mod. Not sure if I am up to it yet but going to do some research this week on it.
Dream Evil Book of Heavy Metal
Paragon Revenge
Tankard B-day album
Crap..Three hour week nights
Got too much to work on and not enough time. I get home from work and after eating and one game of NBA Live I have two hours for website work and guitar and bass practice and thats if I don't go swimming. I went from having too much time to having no time. Not sure which is worse. Plus I have decided that I am going to start working on my snail typing. I also hope it helps my hand to eye with the guitar. But do I have enough time for all the above?
Damn still have to start working on my 3D stuff again or I am doomed to game tester hell. Damn!
Wolfs Moon Keep Metal Alive
Order of Nine Season of Reign
Jacobs Dream Drama of Ages
Walking Dead
Got Sick as a Dog late sunday night was out of it till like weds. Seems even my easy to update website is getting forgotten. Going to work on it tonight after practice.
Went to a local metal show last night. Was fun to finally be at a real metal show even if it was all kids. Got to hang out with Evangelists new bass player last night and he looked at my new bass to make sure it wasn't a lemon. He said it was in good shape and that it was a steal. So that made me happy. Well got to go cause I have an interview to write.
Blitzkrieg Sins and Greed
Tankard B-day
Ritual Steel Hell of a Knight
Rode my bike today and tried to push myself up the big ass hill to my house, guess I am not ready cause it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. So I failed and had to stop and take a break. Damn old age.
Work is going good. I don't mind it or the 3 hours I have to spend on a bus to work 8 hours. Should be busy tomorrow at work.
I do miss my unemployed free time, maybe next time I won't waste it with Neverwinter Nights and feeling sorry for myself.
Went out to dinner with Isabel and Dan and his family. Had fun was nice to go out and be semi social.
Been watching what I eat and drink for the last week and half. Will see if it and swimming starts to shed the college fat.
Finally get to goto a real metal show next Friday after work. It's just some local bands but should be a good show. Looking forward to it.
Unholy Alliance:
A history of Nazi involvement with the occult.
By: Peter Levenda
Ritual Steel Blitz Invasion
Metal Church Metal Church
There is still hope..
Jammed as usual on a Sat. Went good..wasn't demoralizing like usual. I think we did good today. Took awhile but we might be getting on the same page guitarwise. One of the rare times I had fun playing guitar. Also picked up my 5 string bass today from Guitar Center. I am really happy with it. To me it was a steal for 150 bucks. Messed with it some tonight. Its only going to make my fingers stronger and help my guitar playing.

Work is going good..can't bitch. Not as fun as working for Roy but I am *looks around scared* happy. Found someone to bike to work with. If I can handle the hills I'll drop weight off by the ton if I do it.
Black Destiny In Neo Noir
Tankard Beast of Bourbon
Jag Panzer Casting Stones
5 String Discount
Walked like 4 miles to and from the Kirkland Guitar Center and ending up getting a used 5 string bass. It doesn't clear 30 day hold till next weekend. It seemed like a good deal to me. For 150 bucks I guess you can't beat it for a learning bass. Sure beats a Squire or Warlock. I love BC Rich but I hate Warlocks. Well the review section is working in beta mode, Just have to add some of my old reviews to the Database and add some new ones. It should be easy to convert over to the video game reviews too. After that I have to work on the jukebox/bar databases.

Got a scale finally..I tipped it at 230 guess the four months of depression and unemployment added to the college fatass. Seems like forever since I was 205ish at Cedar Point. That is next on my list get back down to 210ish before I my Xbox contract ends in Oct. Going to be hard with long hours and free pop though.
Black Abyss Angels Wear Black
Jacobs Dream Drama of Ages
Unholy Alliance: A history of Nazi involvement with the Occult By: Peter Levenda
Weekend Warriorzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
So Slacky. So Sleepy! Must work on PHP. Must go swimming. Must watch some MAYA dvds. First weedend off is a three day one, can't beat that. I am sure once overtime starts I'll be wishing it was saved for a later time.
Hopefully i'll get the ramblings working right and get the reviews finished this weekend at least. I'd like to start doing reviews again on the weekdays since I really only have 3-4 hours to blow once I get home from work.
I also hope working at Xbox will cure me of two bad habits. Playing games too much and craving pop.
Forced Entry Uncertain Future
Double Diamond Stand up and Fight
Morgana Levay Grand Materia
Mucho Slacker
Work has been going good. Can't beat getting paid to play games. Writing out bug reports isn't to bad really, just have to make sure the bug isn't already in the database. Been slacking on the PHP but I have a 3 day weekend should get everything else programmed then. Been on a normal sleep pattern for almost a week now. Bed by 11ish wake up by 6ish. Just wondering how long it will last. Forgot how cool mornings are. Been slacking on guitar too. Been thinking of forcing myself to bass just so I never have to force myself to play guitar again. I like creating with it but it doesn't come natural to me.
Blitzkrieg Sins and Greed
Kinrick Sense your Darkness
Metal Church The Dark
Micro daze
First Day at work went well. Got paid to shoot people in a video game. Can't beat that. We get all the free Coke products, Milk, Juice, Water, Tea & Coffees we can handle. The cafeteria is like a old country buffet minus the buffet part and the cheapest eating I have seen since I got here (minus Wendy's) Can't complain at all the 2.5 hours on the bus it's not fun but a necessary evil. Well time for sleep 6am comes fast!
Sabaton Primo Victoria
Desperados The Dawn of Dying
3D world Magazine 100 buck subscription
Fat Fingers and Old Age
Who I am I trying to kid? There isn't anyone that I know of who started playing guitar in their late 20's and ever got to play metal. The more I play guitar the more I know its just a matter of time before it beats me. I just don't have the gift or the nack for it. No wonder I dread playing it sometimes. No idea why I keep fighting with it. I play the same as I did 2 years ago. Slow and Shitty. I am just too stupid to know when I am beat. Lets hope I have better skills and luck in the game industry or I'll have to carry the cross of two failed dreams.Shit man..I'm not even good enough to be a punk guitarist let alone metal.
Damn guitar sucked the life out of me, to bummed to program PHP cause it will beat me too.
Tombstone Cowboy "IF YOU SEE KAY" Mp3
Tankard Beast of Bourbon
Raincoat Sasquatch By: J. Robert Alley
Stranger in a Strange land
Well a lot has happened over the last year since my last update. I got my degree, moved across the Rocky Mountains (Fuck Uhaul!!) and got a contract game testing for Xbox. I start at Xbox tomorrow. Should be nervous but I am just glad to be working in the game industry and looking forward to making new friends in the Seattle area. I also have been jamming with someone on weekends. My guitar has improved a lot. But playing with someone else is still weird, doesn't seem natural. I think it is because we have two really different styles or maybe itís just that an hour or two a week isn't enough time. Been looking for a bass, just in case I fail at guitarist. It's just seems my speed isn't improving and no matter what my picking is still sloppy. Well got a lot of updates to work on if I am going to resurrect this website. Trying to add more interactivity so the site isn't so stagnate.
Paragon Revenge
Kinrick Sense Your Darkness
Deceased As The Wierd Travel On

    Copyright 1999-2012 Damian "Prof. Manic" Smolko